What is this blog about?


These are anonymous pages, words and confessions of abused women. The reason this exists, is to give abused women a voice. Where they can share their deepest words, just to get it off their chests. It will bring women together and know that someone is reading their words of survival, and give others the opportunity to relate.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Diary Page #1

Things Mr. S does that is hurtful to me:
That i don't know how to talk and that i slur my words. It's continuous! I think he does it to break my self esteem. He knows that in highschool i went to speech impediment classes during lunch hour break.

When it comes to food he makes me feel horrible and just has broken me down. He always tells me to "control myself", that i need "control". Over the past years we have been married he has told me over and over again how he wishes my body looked like. He has tormented me about my weight and compared me repeatedly to other females with much smaller frames. This lead me to have eating disorders of all kinds.

When it comes to sex, i have no desire for him. I don't want sex from a man who has tormented me for our whole marriage. It makes me sick, he always tells me that i need to have sex and my issues are mental "It's all in your head". One time he even confessed to me that he believes "It's a womans job to please her husband". After he said this, he left me in the hotel room to cry. I cried for so many hours.

I want to clarify that my husband is twice my age. When i married him i was 18, and he manipulated me from the start, he even admitted that he manipulated me for a long time. This hurt me so much and i can never trust him.

Mr S has put tens of thousands of dollars in debt. I feel so conned, i don't understand, i feel confused and i only found out during a recent conversation. When it came to financial situations he always got me to think that "it's too complicated" he'd always say to me "youu just wouldn't understand" "It's too hard to explain" and always try to avoid conversation by making me feel guilty that i even brought it up. Most times leaving the house and not coming back for several hours.
When it came to papers he would always make me sign it that day claiming " you have to do it", "it has to be done today!".

I CAN'T GET OUT, I'M SO STUCK! He's isolated me from my family and is just such a manipulative person. He believes in the Machiavellian way, and always reminds me.
If i leave, i don't know how to get back to my country, i have no money, i have no family. I miss my family so so much. At first it wasn't like this, i feel so sick, i wish someone could save me. I wish i could save others!

1 comment:

  1. “Counselor escapes batterer, founds organization to help others”. This tittle right here found on Diversity at Work pretty much explains my dreams and my ambitions. Before I tell you my story of finding happiness’s and truly loving myself for me, let me tell you about my obstacles that where once so rocky, that lead me to the path where I stand today. For most children ranging from the ages of five to twelve they live a pretty simple live with not a worry in the world, they go to school, learn to read, write, ride a bike, and make friends. Well not for me, from age’s five to twelve I lived in a complete battlefield and not a soul in the world knew my secret. As a child I was bullied a lot, and for most children bullying is a crisis, but for me being in a surrounding where I got bullied by students and peers was actually better than my home life.
    My surroundings of my home life was gorgeous, and we even painted this imagine that we were a “normal” upper middle class family but the secret was my father was alcoholic and speed addict and not a nice one to be exact. My household would run in a normal fashion from the time I went to school to the time I went to bad but every morning around the time of 2 to 3 am the battle would began. My father when he would come home from the bars made it a point every night to wake my mother and me up to verbally and physically abuse us. It was a continuous cycle daily but that is all I knew from the ages of five to twelve, until my life changed one day.
    My dream had finally come true Social Services came to the rescue. I don’t know how many children pray to be taken away or to be put in the system but for me it was an escape, an escape worth taken. You see Social service’s has always been in my life, but what made a difference was I called them at age twelve pleading for them to take me away. That one phone call to child services made a huge difference in my entire life, and I was finally protected; what I always wanted.
    I often think back to the day when I made that phone call, and think WOW I was a tough, strong, and motivated young girl. My abilities and what I have gone through as a child have motivated me externally and internally to study hard and earn a PHD in psychology, to help those who have been battered, as well deal with the psychological aftermath. My secret is no longer a secret, and I feel telling my story and wanting to help those who have walked in my shoes only makes me strive more.
    Just telling my story, you should be proud you want make to school and that you are survivor.